-Messenger photo by Elijah Decious
Sara Godinez has reclaimed a relationship with her children, including Jahnessa Wirkus, 10, and Sara Salena, 4, thanks to sobriety through the Gateway to Discovery program.

Twenty-three years after she started drinking and using, there are things that Sara Godinez, 35, can’t take back.

Abusing her husband. Making bitter remarks to her children. Embracing an addiction that took away her children’s faith.

But what makes the Gateway to Discovery graduate a success story is just that — a take back when she almost lost it all: her home, her family and her legal status as a mother to her children.

After an addiction that predated her four children and stepchildren, it took losing them to prompt her path to recovery. But as the Fort Dodge woman can tell you, recovery is easier said than done. She would know after at least 15 attempts to get clean between the age of 17 and 35.

“You can’t stop, no matter what’s happening,” Godinez said. “No matter the consequences, you can’t stop on your own.”

And after 15 attempts, her last chance at life — June 29, 2018 — was a day she’ll always remember.

The YWCA wouldn’t take her, after multiple times through their treatment program. Every other program she knew of was done with her. A treatment program in Des Moines, just before that date in June, kicked her out when her insurance declined to pay for treatment again.

“It was the day my life got saved,” Godinez said: the day she knocked on Gateway’s door.

A child of faith in a family riddled with alcoholism and methamphetamine addiction, she recognized the picture of Jesus hanging inside Gateway. It was the same one that hung in her dining room growing up.

And as her 16-year-old witnessing her downward spiral “stopped believing in Jesus,” she knew in that moment what she had to do to get her children back.

“I fell away from Jesus when I started drinking, and nothing good came of it,” the mother said. “It really scared me.”

The child of methamphetamine addicts, Godinez turned to alcohol primarily to avoid the same fate that tore her family apart. Though she used meth until she was 17, she kicked the habit when she was pregnant with her first daughter.

Meth was easy to quit, she said. Rum was her drug of choice, 24 hours a day, seven day a week.

“I thought if I quit doing drugs, then my family will be safe,” she said. “But I continued to drink. Drinking did the exact same thing to my family — it tore us apart.”

Her paternal grandfather and six of his seven brothers died of cirrhosis of the liver. Her father started recovering after a traumatic event scared him straight.

And every time their great-niece and granddaughter tried to break free of the albatross that was their demise, she stumbled at the red chip.

“I would get (close) to my 90-day mark, and I would relapse,” Godinez said.

At three months sobriety, those in Alcoholics Anonymous receive the red chip, called a “danger period,” as those in recovery often rethink their status as alcoholics and falter.

For 18 years, Godinez could never go more than 90 days without a drink. But facing termination of her parental rights, she had to do something if she didn’t want to lose her children until at least age 18.

“You need to do this on your own,” a social worker told her, advising her not to drag her children ages 2, 8, 13 and 14 through another round living with her while she pursued treatment yet again.

“I had to do anything I could to make (parental termination) not happen,” Godinez said, making the choice of two years with the Gateway House, living without her children, over losing her kids until they were children no more.

Now over two years sober, she can go well beyond the “red chip” period of time without even thinking of a drink — a length even her children can’t go without suspicions about what’s in her cup.

“They test me all the time,” Godinez laughed. “My kids will come and take a drink (of my cup) to make sure there’s not alcohol in there.”

It was a habit they picked up after years of alcohol on her nightstand and alcohol disguised as other drinks. But now, they’re making new habits.

She can see movies with her children. They can celebrate birthdays. She can watch her color guard daughter twirl at her first football game.

Now, Godinez can be the mom she’s always wanted to be — a newfound freedom and happiness outside the bottle that even the coronavirus can’t take away.

But what’s more is in doing so, she’s served as an inspiration to others looking to win their kids back, too.

“I hope to one day be with my son the way you are with your kids,” said one woman, inspired by Godinez, at her July graduation from the program.

After hitting the bottom of the bottle, Godinez’s sobriety helps others see the reasons life is worth living without stumbling through.

“Gateway took a chance on me,” she said — something she’ll always gratefully pay forward.