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Bemoaning the high cost of buying toothpaste

July 29, 2012
Messenger News

Toothpaste. That's all I wanted.

It cost $77.41.

For whatever reason, I cannot go shopping and buy only what I go shopping to buy. The minute my mind hits "buy" mode, it runs along on its own volition, reminding me of everything else it thinks I need. Or, almost everything. And since I seldom shop, I've got to believe this is necessary.

What I'm thinking is all stores should offer a drive-through lane, much like fast-food places, so shoppers could stop at a speaker, order and pay, getting only what they need.

Of course that's impossible. I know it's impossible. Were that to happen for a month, every store anyone wanted to shop at likely would be out of business. It's the extras, the water and body lotion and mixed nuts, that make a shopping trip profitable for the store.

And saves shopper sanity, for that matter.

Gas companies would profit, but that's about all. If everyone bought just one thing per trip - maybe two or three - think of the number of trips needed. Think of the gas consumption. Shoppers would think of an item needed, run out, order, pay and pick it up, get home and think "Oh, nuts," and head back out.

Makes $77.41 toothpaste not such a bad thing.

While looking for toothpaste the other day, I remembered Efferdent, and while looking for that, I saw hand lotion, and that bottle reminded me of shampoo and before I knew it, the place in the cart where kids sit was full, and I still needed to get water.

Trying to change things and get myself a healthy new lifestyle, my process of eating right needs help, so that help is not buying food that isn't good for me. No chips. But I need greasy, salty chips. Really. Not always, but sometimes there's just nothing that satisfies except greasy, salty chips. Oh, stop frowning. You can't force new tricks on old dogs.

And cheese. I need cheese. Maybe it's all those years I lived in Wisconsin, but I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I just like the taste of cheese. Extra sharp Cheddar cheese.

Trying to be good about what food I eat, I buy a small package of cheese - but I buy two of them. I've discovered shredded cheese over ruffled chips makes a decent side dish to a hot dog. I don't even eat the dog in a bun. We'll, I've got bread in my refrigerator, but it's green. I've got lettuce that isn't.

A few weeks ago I thought about hiring somebody to hug me four times a day, but I'm changing my mind on what's needed here. I'm thinking I'd be smarter to find someone to stand in my kitchen and slap me silly whenever I reach for the Cheddar and chips. I'm just afraid there are too many people willing to slap me, whether they're standing in my kitchen or not.

But, if I could talk that person into shopping for me and actually fixing what (s)he bought, I'd have it made.

So long friends, until the next time when we're together.

Sandy Mickelson, retired lifestyle editor of The Messenger, may be reached at



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